Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sometimes life hands you lemons -- and you're supposed to make lemonade and sell it for a profit. Sometimes at the lemonade stand you have crappy employees who "only give 90%".
In the life of a poor person, you're bound to come across some people who you can't relate to or work with. Recently we had an employee who wasn't "getting" the philosophy of Genericorp. Before she developed a deep bond to her officemates, or middle-class sentimentality, we found it best to terminate her.
Further demonstrating her lack of initiative, now she has refused to write her own termination letter.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Tomorrow, Friday, the best Friday ever, both Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' will be giving away free donuts at participating locations. FREE DONUTS. No purchase necessary at Krispy Kreme. Not even a little. Free Krispy Kreme donuts. This is so much better than any other holiday.
As our boss so eloquently pointed out, "if you don't celebrate National Donut Day, You're a Communist." One point for you, boss!
Poor People Like Free Donuts!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
President Obama once said:
You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.
And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.
You know what else is left to comfort them? Pizza.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sometimes I'm reading job descriptions and have no idea what they actually mean.
Sometimes, I wonder if they go out of their way to frighten me.
"Is this seriously what I will have to do if I were to get this job?"
"Will I really have a combination of 27 different main responsibilities?"
Sometimes I'm scared to work for the person that created the job description.
Utilize best practices for developing processes and procedures for producing productive lead generation and transactional consumer web sites.
"This sentence must be redundant somehow"
"There must be a better way to phrase this so that it doesn't scare people."
"This job description gives me a headache in my frontal lobe."
Sometimes the required skills seem a bit particular.
Extensive use of HTML, FBML, DHTML, XML, PHP, MYSQL, Wordpress, Facebook, and CSS
"FBML? When did Facebook become bigger than the internet and warrant it's own markup language acronym?"
"Clearly I don't know FBML, let alone use it extensively."
"Has anyone used every single one of those skills extensively?"
"It should really say 'or' instead of 'and' in this job description."
"Even if I am otherwise completely qualified for this job, they will not hire me if I don't have extensive knowledge of FBML."
"I wonder if I could learn FBML before my interview."
"I will not get an interview."
"May as well give up."
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Dear Nameless Drone,
Further to our meeting of (date), I am pleased to confirm that your employment with us is terminated as of (not soon enough). We know it's pretty awkward, so feel free to stop reading this letter, swipe a pack of your favorite pens, and peace out before lunch.
Your termination is due to your position having to be made redundant, and in no way reflects your performance in your job, which has been up to par with the apathy and lackluster of Genericorp employees for the past 20 years.
As stated at our meeting, and agreed upon with what appeared to be a "f*ck this place" muttered under your breath on the way out, the terms of your redundancy are as follows:
- As you know, based on your meager salary and non-existent bonuses, there really isn't much coming to you. In fact, we're still looking for a loop-hole that entitles us to retro-actively not pay you as of last Christmas.
- * We don't expect the box of printing paper, multiple staplers, or wasted post-it notes to be replaced, but we do require that you return the $25 iTunes gift card you received in lieu of last year's bonus.
- * Due to excessive lateness, extended lunch hours and unscheduled coffee breaks, we will not be compensating you for leftover vacation/sick days.
- * Your last day on payroll will be in exactly two weeks, just in time for us to avoid a cake for your birthday.
I'd like to offer a Grade A, bullsh*t reference or unnecessarily lengthy letter of recommendation to help you find another job that underpays, undervalues, and would cut you loose at the first opportunity. If things turn around, we would gladly re-employ you for a lower salaried and more demanding position.
Thank you in advance for not beating in the fax machine with a baseball bat or burning the place down a la Office Space.
(name and position)
PS: Please do remember to fill out your timesheet for the remaining weeks. You can label your afternoon hours for today as "Got Laid Off, Getting Plastered"
A Genericorp Company
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"This is a great cover letter and I have all the experience necessary to get this job."
"Everything about this job is seemingly perfect."
"It has all of the qualities I am looking for in a job."
Then I visualize having the job, and what it will be like getting the indicated salary.
"I could make a considerable life upgrade with this kind of salary. I could turn HBO and Showtime back on, or maybe even get a car."
"The HR department says there are programs for educational assistance. I can start my masters!"
"Maybe I’ll figure out what a 401K is."
I obsess over the Google map and see what's located near the new office!
"Only 2 blocks from Pret A Manger. They have great croissants!"
"Only 1 block from a yoga studio. I could take yoga and be healthy!"
I imagine the commute and the office atmosphere.
"It would only take me 20 minutes to get there from home!"
"I hope that they have a casual work environment like the ad promised."
"I bet they have windows!"
I automatically skip ahead, and my expectations get unrealistically high.
"Wow, my potential boss is a really wonderful mentor. He/she wants me to succeed."
“If I work as an assistant at XXX for a year or two, I could be in a position to be CEO before I’m 30!”
"I can tell I will be appreciated for all of the hard work I do at this company."
"I will get a raise after only 6 months."
Slowly, I come back to reality.
"They will probably never even read my email."
"If I'm lucky, I'll get one of those condescending, automated 'thanks for applying!' responses."
"They must be getting 1,000 resumes a day in this ec0nomy."
After my first few weeks, I'll start to notice a few rather strange things.
"Do they think they can just pay me in pizza?"
"Why is there so much turn-over in this office?"
I'll grow to hate it within a year and resent even its best qualities.
"I wish my co-worker would stop playing his ipod so loudly."
"I'd rather die then go to work today."
Friday, July 17, 2009
Of all the great ideas we've had at PPLP while diligently pretending to be working, this one somehow eluded us. Poor people love pointless, oddball concepts. They also love summer Fridays. Goodbye workweek, hello [moderate] fun [via frugal spending].
You know where this is going...via Twitter.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I mean, their coffee is better than their McPizzas. Remember them? Ick.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
So, next time your boss asks you to make up a reason why his weekend in Puerto Rico is on his expense report, or put together a letter to all employees explaining why everyone will have to provide their own toilet paper, draw from some of the best excuses we’ve heard at PPLP.
4. She’s on a non-smoking cigarette break.
3. Why? Don’t you live with your parents?
2. What do you mean you can’t live in NYC on 25K a year, the cost of living only went up 2%!
1. We already provided pizza!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Boss: Still? I thought we sent a check?
PPLP Rep: It still takes 3 days for the check to be applied to our account.
Boss: Whhhy does it take that long?
PPLP Rep: Because it CAN.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
"Subject: Hope you had fun on your vacation
The management at Mindless media would like to send out some important information to its employees who have recently vacationed in any area where swine flu has been spreading. Your 10 working days of vacation time are essential to our compliance with company policy, and we hope you enjoyed those few precious days out of the office. However, we would like to make sure you do not infect your co-workers with swine flu.
As your employer, we would like to warn you of the following symptoms of swine flu:
Aching fingers: You may think this is connected to the dozens of excel sheets you've been putting together for the past year, or possibly even a symptom of carpal tunnel, but it is actually swine flu
Itchy eyes: Though there was no spring in the metro area and it went from being 40 to 80 degrees within a week, this is not allergies. You have swine flu.
Stomach aches: If you had any bacon from the Europa on the corner within the last month, you have swine flu.
Headaches: That pounding headache you have nearly 24 hours a day is not from being over-worked and under-paid, it's from swine flu.
A tan: If you have a tan from your recent vacation to Mexico, you have swine flu.
On behalf of all upper management, we'd like to say welcome back to the office! Hope you had fun on your vacation, but you have swine flu.
Oh… you’re insurance doesn’t cover swine flu.
Genericorp Human Resources Management Department"
A Genericorp Company
Monday, April 20, 2009
Leave it to the kids of the G Metropolitan stop to put this wonderfully sarcastic service announcement prank together. While it pales in comparison to a good poster boy prank (who incidentally said he's leaving New York if there's another fare hike), we're very impressed with its massive cynicism and backhanded bitterness. Sadly, you could make one of these for every stop in New York City. Won't someone save the G train already? (Via Gothamist)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Robert T. Kiyosaki
Author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad